learning anew......

During the course of this class I have learned to analyze actions and words before they come out. Granted that actions and words cannot always be regulated so we must ensure to practice positive communication and have optimistic outlooks.  I have realized that it is impossible to foresee all possible variations of communication.  Education can also come by observation.   I have found that by listening to people when they gripe about how an interaction of theirs went and think of ways to better handle those situations and interactions.  I have learned new methods such as our vocalic.  Our kinesics plays a massive factor in non-verbal communication.  Tending to our awareness of conversational appropriateness, tones, speech rate, and eye contact or our affect display will aid in our search for remedies to our conversational flaws.   We must be conscience of others but not so much to wear it takes away from who we are.  There are some things that need not be altered, some conversational behaviors could be compromised, and some things DO need to go.  Hostile, mentally damaging, and violent verbal messages and comments are way better left unsaid.  I have a better understanding of pseudo listening and its harmful repercussions.  We must ensure that we remain active as listeners and engaging as conservationists.  These things are all easy to state the challenge lies in applying the knowledge to developing effective methods as they arise.  Learning how to compromise with people effectively will be a vital tool to establish and maintain the balance of relationships.  Honesty is important as I do not want mislead people.  I believe that “little white lies” can be positive but we must be careful and not abuse them.  I did not read much about humor as a means of effective communication as I strongly believe it to be.  The saddest situations can be temporarily and in some cases permanently alleviated.  Focusing on the positive light rather than succumbing to the negativity will alter the course of my communicable life.  I am a very optimistic person but negativity as an adverse affect I believe due to my troublesome past.  Learning new ways to listen and competently process the information with appropriate and meaningful responses.  I will never stop being who I am but I will use the information to shape the ever changing me.  I enjoy being silly and funny, it may not always seem appropriate but if you have time to stress out, you have time to laugh.  We must be who we are our individualism is what makes each of us unique.  Here is where compromise is vital; we make compromises every day when we select when and where to conform to the “rules” of communication.  The compromise is how much of ourselves should we express and how much should we accommodate others with our communication.    If I want to be an effective communicator I must be able to identify where potential issues may be and be able to resolve them in a rational and competent manner. 

Talk about hot.!!!!

  Over the weekend a friend had asked me to go to Denver with him to drop some pheasants off at his dads house.  I was not going to go until he told me there is a Bass Pro Shop in Denver.  So naturally being the avid fisherman that I am, I could not pass up an opportunity to go to this store.  So we are all clear I would trade my mom for a killer fishing whole.  After spending two hours in there I had collected about fifty dollars too much worth of fishing merchandise that I could not find anywhere near here.  I also collect fishing lures and plugs.  Standing in line at the check out a guy had some serious problems and slowed down the flow of traffic in that line.  I waited for 15 minutes to get to the counter as I get there the lady looks at me and says "sorry but I am closed".   My kinesics expressed much impatience as I saw 6 or 7 people get in line after me and leave well before me.  I threw up a whats going on shoulder shrug with a look of confused anger.  I immediately walk away because I know my next words will not be  appropriate for general public.  As I walked away I turned to look back to see if there was another checker that wouldn't be too long and that gal was helping the guy who was behind me the whole time.  You wanna talk about hot.  This was the only reason I came, I set my stuff down right there on the first shelf as you walk in and walked out right past the guy who was behind me as he is paying for his stuff and said real quietly "what the hell!!!!" I sat outside on the rock in front of the store to calm myself.  Upon thinking about it for several minutes I opted to communicate in the form of a comment card.  Knowing my mind is clouded with hatred for this store and would not be able to find the words I would have normally.  I expressed in rational thoughts on the card then looked it over and threw it away.  I started a second one to clear points and remove hostilities.  I did however state that I will cease all business and recommendations to any Bass Pro store.  I am not sure if anyone will read that and if they do even give a rats @$$ about it but I wrote it.  I believe I handled this situation fairly well, however if rage wouldn't have set in first I could have used some charm to get my way.  I was so appalled that she would have even considered shutting down with as many people as there were in the lines.  Just ridiculous and bad business.  I think using my charm to get my way rather than fleeing the situation could have been a better option.  Charm, that is a quality of people that is subsiding in society I can see now.  I will not let my anger get the better of me next time as I am sure I can get you to make just one more transaction.  I totally forgot that sarcasm could have been a better route, like "i wouldn't want to miss my lunch break either."  I would not have cared how that would have made her feel and would not have cared caused she obviously didn't care what I was feeling.  So we know she did notice I was standing in line for awhile as I am not a quiet person and have a very loud laugh. I could have told a joke I could have done many other things and now I believe future encounters like this could be handled accordingly.  GRRRR Talk about hot.  

slow your role....

  I am trying to listen to my grandmother talk.  Her rate of speech is extremely slower than my mind will tolerate most times.  She begins by explaining how hot it is and was down where my aunt went on vacation.  For several minutes her speech slurs and stutters as she attempts to speak to fast.  I Love my grandma to death but as she repeats herself three and four times I find my patience for listening wears thin.  I exclaim "yes you told me" as she repeats her next three thoughts.  I understand she is older however this is selective behavior I believe as a way to control conversation.  As I begin to remark at her statements she abruptly hollers "WHAT".  Before I get to the middle of what I am saying she cuts me off like that.  I know she hears me because if I just look at her after I finish what I am saying she will respond accordingly.  I assure her she is not going def and that she needs to pay attention because she is not losing her mind.  If she focuses her thoughts instead of trying to say everything she is thinking her communication becomes clearer and tolerable.  I can maintain a state of patience for so long and it depends on how long it takes her to remember how to communicate.  I do not get angry with her anymore because it does not help, but I do get pretty short sometimes.  My future communication will be more successful if I can direct her to properly listening and exhibit more patience.  I believe that properly stated comments of reassurance that she can hear me and does not need to cut me off will help.  Maybe "Grammy you can hear me just fine" with very positive body language and a very happy face may work.  Or a joke, when she says "WHAT" I simply say "hearing aids aren't even noticeable nowadays Grammy".  Different situations will require different strategies, arriving before my day gets to busy and my patience is not all there will help also.  Slowing myself down will help increase my patience as to ensure I am not in a hurry.  However I find communication to be difficult when she does not care that it annoys me when I get cut off in the middle of my sentence.  I do not ever use avoidance as a method, I try to use redirection to get her on track so I am able to communicate with her.  Maybe a friendly conversation about things we can do to improve our communication so we don't get upset with each other would be a good route.

Holy social network Batman!

  I have a hard time with social networks as see them to be silly and a waste of time.  I can not spend so many hours wondering what the hell someone else is doing when i myself need to worry about myself.  My opinion and it is for reason like the one you will read about.  My good friend was living with another friend that had family over (brother and three loud kids).  Well after the company left my good friend posted on facebook "finally a quiet house" as his meaning wasn't meant to be harmful.  Well it was taken just as that, as an attack and a return posting by his roommate stating things that probably should have been said to his face and not published for the nation.  This is not a reflection of my communication but a reflection of observed communication.  I have learned a bunch by observing and paying attention to friends that are in communicable disarray.  I do not need to offer advice to anyone but myself I am not here to tell people they are doing it wrong.  In fact I would be thanks for showing me how not to communicate.  Social networking Has given us immediate access to anything one publishes online such as this.  Now with this immediate access for my good friend was embarrassing and damaging and now has a strained relationship with my other friend, his ex room-mate.  After this facebook posting a bunch of other stewed upon emotions came out and attacked my good friend and caused more tension than was necessary.  Now all this was caused by a stinking social networking comment that could have been avoided had they simply just talked.  No misunderstandings no preconceived notions about the other.  All could have been well if communication even existed!

Patience required

  So I went to Albertsons to buy some oil for a fish fry my friends and I were doing.  I ran in for oil only and got to the extremely long lines at the check stands.  I opted to go for the self checkout as it looked faster.  I was standing in line for several minutes visiting with random people that would step in line for a moment and notice the two gals having massive problems with the self checker and remove themselves.  I remained because there was only one more gal in front of me that was very attractive.  I had a couple exchange of words making jokes to ease the horrendous stress of long checker lines.  As it was her turn to pay for her drink and pack of raw chicken she proceeded to tear the UPC code from the chicken tearing it in half.  After ripping this off it obviously is not going to scan but she proceeded to try anyways.  Now one self checker has broken down and it is just her now.  Now my communication that I observed was the lack of communication that I had.  Wanting to say are you seriously tearing that off and gonna try and scan it but thought it wise not too.  I do not know what compelled her to do so and think it would work.  Instead of being mad I grew more impatient though and had plenty of time to think of things to say.  The best I came up with was nothing.  I kept my smile and hid the kinesics I was actually feeling.  I did not run my hands through my hair as is typical stressed behavior in many people.  As far as the fellow behind me I could hear and see his anger with the young lady in front of us.  Comments said aloud can be harder than the person believes in my opinion.  I mean as he was making remarks she would get flustered and try to keep scanning faster as it is not working she can not think of that because she is being rushed.  If one wants to see me mad  start rushing inappropriately.  So he was not helping matters and I could identify that.  Had I not been so annoyed I could have alleviated her tension by talking with the man behind me.  In high traffic where our social space is one third what it is supposed to be builds more tension.  The immediacy of everyone's purchase is greater than the others thus putting more tension in the air because the person in front needs to hurry up.  Social tension can inflict damaging behaviors with no regard to the person being victimized (so to say).  Observing the overall layout in this ordeal is immensely beneficial as it provides many rays of light to new angles in many new areas.  Such as not focusing on my urgency because it is not going to change or lessen it can only grow if I let it thus hindering my ability to think clearly and rationally and affecting my communication. I have much to learn!
Sorry to anyone reading this, I accidentally saved this as a draft instead of posting this in the night of the fourth.

Where is the humor?

 As far as we have been through the book in my Interpersonal Communications class I have not seen much activity that speaks about laughter.  I have not associated my tactics to many if any described in the book.  Let me explain.  Today my good friend who is older received a call from the bank while I was there informing him that he needs to pay them $2300.  This is a loan to pay a doctor that misdiagnosed my friend that would have saved his life.  Using humor not to deal divert from the situation but laugh at it instead.  Rather than yelling he laughed at what I had to say about it, calling them names like "paper pushing pimps".  Using it in context,  "It is amazing how these paper pushing pimps are allowed to balloon rates as they sit fit".  Not diverting but making a point as well as making him laugh.  I believe that in nearly every situation there can be humor found in it.  It must be intelligently identified and exploited appropriately.  This in turn got his brain thinking and he came up with productive and comical remarks as to his plan of action.  Using humor in this instance is far more effective than stressing out an older man that will stem on negative thoughts.  As far as his interaction with others throughout the day I can not be certain, but I can make sure he has comical remarks so that he can laugh about it a little.  By leading the conversation with his topic I was able direct his return comments.  A useful strategy to cope with initial shock of trauma and can be useful throughout this entire ordeal.  Personally I would much rather laugh than stress and this is far easier for me to do with others than it is myself.  I must be able to identify "the line" by using my judgement and remark without crossing it.  I have become extremely good (given I know the person) at exercising humor to cope with issues.  This does not alleviate the stress but it can ease tension.

lose your cool.......

  I have been really excited to take an interpersonal communications class.  I have already seen progress and think about more.  I was more excited to take this class because my advisor told me that my Pell Grant would pay for this.  Come to find out that it didn't.  Upon calling and speaking about my dilemma at the financial office the gal kept saying it was my responsibility to check.  There was no way to negate any late fees as it is solely my responsibility.  Forgetting the fact that before I signed up for the class I was told that Pell would pay.  My emotional control was hindered immensely.  The lack of empathy displayed by the lady I spoke with was infuriating.   Her tone was very firm as if saying "I am in charge, you are in the wrong".  Whether that is what she was saying or not, that is what she told me.  There is no use in having a conversation with a person that won't budge.  So now in order to be given credit on a class I have enjoyed thus far I must pay it in full including the late fees that are in place or pay more late fees.  Dropping the class doesn't help then I wouldn't get my credits and I would still have to pay (late fees included if I can't pay).  This was one of the options given to me by a financial assistant at the college I go to.  First how would that be an option, I think she failed to use coherent correlation to her statement and the ludicrousness of that statement.  Feeling much anger, I used suppression to keep from saying foul things.  I kept my composure for the most part however I do not agree with her handling things the way she did.  First I know you don't immediately blame someone saying this is all your fault and not expect a negative reaction.  Pardon me, but that is bull $#!@.  Most of all I am displeased at the way I was treated by a Casper College staff.  My burden now is a result of their error not mine.  So in order to rectify it I get charged with more late fees.  Believing it to be a safe assumption that this gal has college education and should have interpersonal training dealing with people I couldn't imagine why I would be treated like that.  Perhaps she has low self-monitors.  With only a phone call all I have to go on is her pitch, tone, and volume.  As the conversation progressed she became annoyed with my request to waive late fees.  I believe I handled myself rather well considering that I had just learned that unless I pay for this class now (which I CAN NOT) then I will not receive my credits for this class and will still have to pay for this class.  If I am unable to do so (which I am unable) then I will get late fees stacked on top.  I will continue to do the class even though I will probably not get credit for it for the self gain is far better then stepping away from good lessons.  Talk about WANTING to lose my cool!!

What The $#@%

  I am standing in line at the grocery store (self checkout).  The lines are long and crowded, I have been waiting for at least 10 minutes.  I made some small talk to pass time with the gal in front of me.  The gal in front of me finally got to the checkout and proceeded to tear the upc off of the chicken she had in her hand.  She is trying to scan a torn upc tag and it isn't working.  She had looked up at me several times, for what I do not know, at this point it is too late for my help.  I elected not to speak, but communicate non verbally.  I tried my hardest to not have a look of total rage.  I was extremely impatient at this point, and she just tore the damn upc off of the chicken.  I wanted to say what the hell are you thinking, or you have got to be kidding me, or laugh and say you think that is gonna work now.  She had spent several minutes before a checker finally came over.  The checker looked up at me and I passed a look and a head wave to her and she didn't get it.  I choose not to speak throughout this catastrophe because I know that I would have not been nice, and it is easier to have a look that doesn't say mad, than to not say what I am feeling.  First I want to know what was her reasoning for tearing off the label.  I also want to know why the checker ignored my attempts to receive help.  What ever the reason behind this haphazard encounter growing angry would have definitely not help matters.  I used breathing to alleviate tension and tried joking with a person behind me to use laughter to mask anger.  By diverting my attention elsewhere I was able to to thwart away my uneasiness. 

Making amends and seeking foregiveness

   In order to express the importance of this story of communication I must first supply some background.  I was 14 years years old and I just got back from my birth fathers house.  He called my brother and I totally drunk and very irrational.  He began screaming at me saying stuff like "you are efin worthless" "you are just an efin loser" to say it extremely mildly.  My father whom I had defended and swore to my mom he was good had just betrayed me bigger than I have ever been betrayed.  Anyways communication was simply cut off.  I had completely stopped talking to him and avoided any attempts at contact he made.  Until fathers day this year.  I waited to post to assure I felt comfortable writing about such a personal and damaging event.  For 18 years of my life I had no communication with my father but for all those years I have preferred to be called a name that not many call me, and he did, Christopher.  I called and said happy fathers day, this is Chris.  He lit up and said Christopher, is this really Christopher.  I had nothing after that to say, for years I had thought about that call and when I made it everything I had practiced and fleeted my mind.  He initiated every piece of the conversation for the first 5 minutes or so.  Making sure I was doing good, how have I been, and most importantly if I fished a lot(as he was the one who taught me).  Then he asked me how it was that he pissed me off, he had been confused and had a stroke and had forgotten some details, also being drunk at the time didn't help.  I told him the things he said and he told me that he was very sorry for the things that he had said and done to hurt me.  I am not sure if I believed him because it is what I wanted or if he meant it.  I really think that he meant it.  Our conversation included laughter as well, which was nice because that never was even a thought I had in all those years.  Active listening was required to ensure that I heard everything right and processed the information accurately.  Had it not been I may have never talked to him again. 
  Throughout the long stretch of time spent not speaking to my father I had assumed the responsibility of trying to make amends within my family, such as my mother and her oldest brother not speaking.  I believe that I had taken on this task because I truly understand how important communication with family really is.  Though I may not have loved my father all those years I never wanted anything bad to happen, and judging by the sound in his voice, the tone in his speech, and the joy in his voice he never for a moment stopped loving me.  I truly wish that all communication could be as gratifying as this conversation with my father (whom has not been called that since that day).

Unruley behavior

  So it was a Sunday afternoon and I was outside enjoying a smoke with the downstairs neighbor.  All at once the other neighbor came outside and began small talk, How's the weather, sure is windy, that kind of stuff, then as abruptly as he came out he began talking about how he had a stent inserted in his back and then removing it from his penis.  I immediately began laughing, and it is not that it is funny at all, in fact it is horrible.  I am unsure of why I do this it may  be a masking technique i have developed to not show that I am really cringing inside.  As he continued on with the story his details and comments and everything about it was horrible.  But this guy came out of left field with a crazy story like this and I was totally unprepared for kind of conversation of that nature.  Here at this apartment complex we obviously have an open relationship with one another, however I did not feel that I knew him well enough to where he would divulge such personal information.  He had just recently been betrayed by his only friend in the state that moved here with him from Wisconsin.  His girl went nuts and moved out and he was forced to go through this procedure by himself.  I can sympathize with his conditions and find it amazing that he did this by himself (I am sure I may have needed mama, metaphorically).  My interaction with him was not to say a healthy conversation because I couldn't keep myself composed.  I have had a problem with this all my life as I stated in my intro.  I am unsure of his reaction to my reaction because my eyes were filled with tears blinding me from his facial expressive reactions to my reaction.  I am sure it wasn't a receptive look and for that I am sorry, nobody likes to be laughed at, but that is not what I was doing.  Amongst my laughter I was able to find a not quite so funny spot in the story to apologize for laughing and express my condolences for having to go through such a procedure that I would probably never be man enough to do.  Weather I am or not I do not know, but this was a compensation for my appalling behavior that was totally necessary.   In our first few chapters I have not encountered any kind of behavior or theory that correlates with this type of defense.  Another possibility is that it is just a part of my personality.  I have always been the type that is easy to make laugh.  My funny bone is very ticklish and always has been since I was a child.   Hopefully this class can shed some light onto understanding different defense mechanisms that may aid in better communication within my social world.

a test post

a test post to see if I have this sorted out.

post 1 for interpersonal comm class

  This is my first post into the the road ahead.  I am going to post communication encounters and the outcomes if there are any.  I will analyze the way I viewed things to the way I view now, presently speaking.  I will put thought and clarity into my actions in order to help with future communication encounters.  Hopefully a self reflection such as this will aid me in all aspects of my life.  Communication is the key to success and without it I believe that we would be doomed.  Too much communication can have hazardous results as well.  Over explaining can lead to frustration and make things even more unclear than they were before.  We must pick and choose our words appropriately at according times because once words are spoken they can not be unspoken!  I try my hardest to apply such measures in my life it seems as though there is always someone out there waiting to push my damn buttons.  However it is up to me to choose how I will let such a person affect me if at all.  I try to find the humor in things, that is how I alleviate tension.  I don't mean to laugh when something bad happens, but if you are there telling me the story it isn't that bad.  My friend growing up was driving his '88 toyota tercel on an exit ramp and ran over a skunk.  Straddling a big skunk in his little car threw him off the road and flattened two tires.  His first call was to my house from a gas station nearby and he did not get any sympathy from me.  Instead I erupted in laughter at that very thought, the might man made machine was thwarted by a stinky skunk.  If you have ever ran over a skunk you know it doesn't smell good.  I could smell him through the phone and realizing I wasn't going to stop he simply said "come get me" and hung up.  I could have not laughed as hard as I did a chuckle would have been ok, but I have a very ticklish funny bone.  The facts are he was alright enough to walk to the store and make a sound phone call, it wasn't that bad.  He did not perceive it in such a way, hence I was called the asshole.  A brief introduction with more current events to come.